I’ve been on the dating app game for almost a year and half, and to be totally honest, it’s complete and total bullshit. Girls on these apps take themselves too seriously and have zero self-awareness, which in turn, leads to unreasonable expectations, which inevitably leads to being let down and “disenchanted with love.” The girls on these apps want guys who are six-foot five, shredded, with a “great personality” (whatever the fuck that’s supposed mean), a dog, and oh yeah, a six-figure salary (because how else would they be able to go on “adventures” and take trendy Instagram pictures near infinity pools and roof-top bars that overlook the city skyline?).


In addition to all of these “requirements,” girls expect you to open with an “original” pick-up line, yet at the same time, if one were to go through the profiles of the girls who demand originality, one would see that all of them lack ANY semblance of originality. If I had a dollar for every time I read “I probably only swiped right because of your dog,” “Take me on an adventure,” “Not here to hook up,” “I love cheesy pick-up lines,” or saw a Lawn on D picture of some girl with sunglasses on, holding a craft beer (which she probably doesn’t even like and is solely holding it in her hand for photographic purposes), swinging on a “O” swing and pretending to laugh, I would probably have enough money to meet the abovementioned six-figure requirement. To pull an “original” guy, you kind of have to be original yourself – it’s a two-way street; just like everything else in life. What makes you think that by literally being the same as THOUSANDS of other girls on Tinder or Bumble, that you are deserving of originality? If you’re one of those girls, then with all due respect, fuck you – and I mean that in most insulting way possible.

Which brings me to my next point: Self-Awareness. What is self-awareness, you ask? Self-awareness is knowing and being able to accept the the person you are in reality, as opposed to idealistically. What I mean by this is, don’t overrate yourself; don’t make demands or put requirements on guys (or anyone for that matter) that you cannot meet yourself. For example, if your ass looks like cottage cheese in leggings, don’t think you DESERVE a guy that belongs on the cover of Men’s Health. Listen ladies, I get it, I really do – I get the whole “shoot high, know your worth in your twenties” mantra that Buzzfeed and Cosmo Magazine perpetuate day-in and day-out. I get the whole “love yourself” battle cry being shouted from the hilltops by every single one of you girls who want a tall guy with a six pack but don’t want to trade drinking sugary drinks and eating nachos at the bar on “Ladies Night” for a salad and a Luna bar at home. I get the whole wanting to “have your cake and eat it too” mentality, but I also know that a lot of what I idealistically expect, isn’t always what I actually deserve. For example, I want a girl who’s chill, smokes weed, listens to Phish, is an absolute smoke show, goes to the gym seven days a week, and has an ass like a Kardashian and a face like Mila Kunis. However, I know that at the very best, I really deserve a girl who possesses maybe one of those desired attributes. I know a guy like me, who is (a little below) average height, isn’t going to pull a six-foot-two dime piece. I’m also aware of the fact that a guy like me, who has a stutter is going to be perceived as unconfident or maybe even unintelligent, and subsequently written off. Lastly, I am more than conscious of the fact that I am a vain and self-centered asshole 92% of the time, and that I shouldn’t expect a sweetheart of a girl to “love me for who I am” if I get pissed at her for kissing me with chapped lips and handled change breath. But at the end of the day, the difference between me and the girls with unreasonable expectations is that I am FULLY AWARE of what I actually deserve, and I don’t pretend to be unaware of who I am in reality.